"I will change your world for you"

Plant your hopes. 

"Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone;

but if it dies,

 it produces much grain."

John 12:24

He is faithful.

Someone, a good while ago, told me that the Lord was going to return me to my childhood dreams. I was so far into the world of academia, I could not even remember what those dreams were.

So now, about a year later, with everything I held dear in college, gone, I am watching Little Women and remembering. I wanted to be Jo. I lived a childhood of grand dreams of far away places. I thought archaeology would take me there.

And it hasn't.

But there is still a book left in me to write, there is a still a loveable professor's hands to fill, there is still an echoing old house to fill with little boys. There are still adventures left.

Struggles

I have been dealing with emotional backlash from my horomones...and it makes me really frustrated with myself. I wish I was well. I wish my brain and its chemicals worked as they were designed.
I wish I knew if these little problems that I blow way out of proportion due to the anxiety and depression onslaught are going to become big issues in the future.
I wonder if I will every have confidence in a decision I make.

I am fighting an odd and difficult battle, and I'm frustrated.
I need a resolution.

....sorrow

My heart is heavy tonight. A friend of mine from when I was a very little girl died last week. He was murdered. Today I saw the police report, and a picture of the man who shot him. His funeral was yesterday...And I'm not even sure how to articulate my feelings. My heart is quite heavy...

When I first found out, it was a bit surreal. It just now hit home that this 23 year old boy...is gone.

traaaadition....TRADITION!

This year, as this is the first Christmas I am officially dating, I have been thinking about quirky family traditions, or Christmas traditions in general.
Jay's family always has a particular Christmas breakfast. In my family, we get pjs, and ornament for Christmas, as well as a toothbrush and an orange in our stockings. We aren't (still!) allowed out of our room (or my parents lock themselves in theirs) late on Christmas eve, as my parents set up all the gifts and stockings around the Christmas tree. For quite a few years, my sister and brother and I would all sleep in one room on Christmas Eve and watch one of the Star Wars (original trilogy only).

So anyways,
been learning about more Christmas traditions and thinking of some I really think are awesome

Like...the Christmas pickle, an ancient Teutonic? (German?) tradition in which a pickle ornament is hidden on the Christmas tree. The first kid to find one (on Christmas morning?)  gets a prize or an extra gift...or something. My aunt gave me a pickle ornament last year, might be fun to do someday.
My grandmother always had a bird on the tree cause it was supposed to bring good luck in the New Year, some cultures do this with spiders and spider webs!
I like it when people open pjs on Chrismas Eve too...but matching ones are a bit overboard...
As well, as, of course, reading the true Christmas story....


Anyways, those are my thoughts

Art.

I've been having a good morning, its been quiet. I've been up for nearly four hours and I'm still in my pj's. Toast, Krispie treats and coffee and reading and trying to get back into an inspired state.

There is an art show next month and I want to enter a piece.

But I dont know what to do.

Being an artist is a daunting thing.

I wish I was brave enough to be one.

Christmas wish list

Every year around this time my mom has me write a wish list.

This is what I would really want:

~a full time job that engages my brain and allows me to work with creative, caring, and inovative people (not that those at my current job aren't those things)

~enough income to pay my bills and go out to eat once or twice a week

~no student loans

~my car to magically regenerate brakes, cv boots, and an oil pan gasket

~clarity and vision about what to do next